My interpretation of the underlying spiritual philosophy of the 12 step model

Choosing your Filter through Association.

The underlying spiritual philosophy of the 12 steps model

I'm going to start by defining the word perhaps. As I feel it is an accurate reflection of the theme that I want to write about today. Although, I'm not quite sure what that theme is :-)

Perhaps- used to express uncertainty or possibility.

Part 1- Creating Context

This morning I was driving to class. Thinking. Not terribly uncommon for any of us I suppose, to think. As Descartes would say “I think therefore I am.” The brain compartmentalizing neurological processes in conjunction with environmental factors to produce some meaningful experience, or.. just the opposite, a by-product of processing. In other words “I think therefore I am” Perhaps nothing more, nothing less.

That is the constant struggle I am faced with. More versus Nothing More. Yet more importantly, for me, it is not just the pondering I am curious of but the context in which the question arises. Context requires constant evaluation in order to determine what I can use from it. Makes me think of that saying “Take what you need and leave the rest”. Sure, there is a series of experiences that has brought me to this place of contemplation, this place about questioning my purpose, my direction. Still, that notion is still drowned in this idea, more versus nothing more, meaningful and meaningless.

In my 29 years on this Earth, it was only five days ago that I found an answer to this question. Maybe the answer was always there, that I was just resisting or lacking the foresight of the simplicity. It was God. In God I found a new way to start living. This God can also translate to what I will call the three A's.

Acceptance (of the paradox) Living in the Grey

Association (The choice in which I choose to apply that meaning)

Action (to move forward with meaning built on association)

Meaningless yet self defining meaning! What a revelation, grand indeed. Yet I am going to guess the true test will be “to thine own-self be true” A revelation without attachment or validation. Perhaps the biggest challenge of all? Can you define your own truth, if you seek others (people, institutions) to define it for you?

Of course this no grand mystery. We see it everyday, the path one chooses to embrace enlightenment. Not to say I have entered a path of enlightenment, but a shift in perception.

So here I will go back to reiterate association. I love to define words. Why? Because of my own assumptions and associations. I hear enlightenment and I automatically think “achieved a state of nirvana” What the fuck does that even mean? Not realizing how self-defining the concept is.

Enlighten- to give intellectual or spiritual light to

Recognition of the Paradox.

Its funny, as a writer (or a person with finds this type of stuff curious) who chooses to publicly display a blog, I've always been conflicted with this fear of how I would be perceived. Better yet, that I would be misperceived as self-righteous, a proclaimers of insight & answers on topics beyond my scope of comprehension. An obvious indication of my fear in this struggle of validation. Perhaps because I could see a sub-set of truth in it. An attachment to meaning (MY meaning) requires validation. If you choose to be in the game, you can't always disregard the rules. But maybe.... all I ready wanted was someone to know me. To comfort me, to tell me that it was okay, that they felt this way, that I thought this way, that I didn't have an answer. Needless to say, I have found a room where I get need to identitfy. Through the oral word, and in other instances the written word.

I've always been confused by this, If I provide reasoning of justification, is it driven purely by my fear for validation, or is to build context? Both. This internal struggle with acceptance, learning to be okay without the comfort of agreement, an obsession with truth in order to avoid pain, to live in the grey. That truth can be simultaneous, a non-existent truth but a very present and real truth. The flux of the paradox. I always thought I had to pick a side of the coin, that if I didn't I would remain stuck, or a coward. I didn't know how to think outside of black and white. I was indecisive, seeking other to makes my decisions so I would pick a side, or feel a side, be it spiritual, intellectual, social, so I thrived my own irony and contradiction. Truly, I was a coward, I am a coward. I hate to admit that, but I am. In many ways.

I have no quarrels about who I am. Merely nothing more than an observer, an observer whose thinking has manifested into a self destructive neurosis driven by fear, doubt, entitlement, arrogance and laziness.

Yet... I've been offered a way out. God.

Part 2: God Hears me. Acceptance of the Connection.

“Sometimes....God Speaks to me.” I thought as I continued my drive to class

Those were words I never thought I could utter, or would utter. Perhaps out of the fear of being judged of witlessness, not just from others but from myself.

My own judgements associated with the word God ran deep, a built in resistance of all things rooted in the mystics. A concept, for me, that defied all sense of logic. Yet, it truly is a beautiful word , a incongruous and dangerous word, with historic and ironic weight. An word that produces a tremendous amount of love, hatred and coercive power fueled by the very power of it's Association.

So then why do choose to use this word, God?

A point I guess. A point that has kept me stagnated for a long time. Those characteristics I listed above, fearful, doubtful, self entitlement, indecisive. They are part of me , yes, but there are other parts of me. Honest, loving, compassionate, loyal, inquisitive, bright. I am not all of them at once nor do I have to be, if I can learn to live in the grey.

I always had one basic understanding of God. I could not see God. I could not hear God. To me God was blindness, God was the ability to have no foresight, God was to disregard, to negate without investigation. I had no ability to see behind that word, beyond that word. That's all God was, a word.

That God is still with me and rightfully so. Let me tell you a quick story.

This time a year ago, I was struggling. The rabbit hole I spoke of above, that doubt, that fear, its a deep hole, a dark hole, a deadly hole. If you know what I'm talking about you've been there. Anyhow, I was driving home from a meeting and decided that I needed something. I needed something...more. I navigated on my iphone to a website called Xaspeakers.org It is a website where you can listen to online recovery speakers. I saw this guy Kenny listed from a Convention in Texas. Out of pure randomness I decided to hit Play.

“My name is Kenny and I am an Alcoholic. By the grace of God i've been sober since....”

My mind recoiled like a hand to a hot flame. Closed. I did not want to hear a story of a man saved by God. I thought of asaying I had heard in the rooms “The Fear of the drink will drive you to God”

I'm not quite sure what that meant, but I did know something. I didn't want to feel this way anymore, I didn't want to trapped back in this misery that I once knew freedom from. So I listened to Kenny, and this is what he said:

I always had one basic understanding of God. I could not see God. I could not hear God. To me God was blindness, God was the ability to have no foresight, God was to disregard, to negate without investigation. I had no ability to see behind that word, beyond that word. That's all God was, a word.

That God is still with me and rightfully so.

Is this what he said? I don't know but that is what I heard. God was an interchangeable term. Yet, I continued to struggle. A couple reasons I guess. I was given a framework in which it was suggested I operate. The 12 steps. A realm in which I choose to operate. The inescapable part of my life, not implying a negative connotation with inescapable, just a reality. The rooms, the 12 steps, it was the only solution that ever seemed to work for me, to bring some sense of joy in my life. Yet this word kept appearing, was used in my daily functions. “God Grant me.....”

In meetings I would often hear people say that you will hear the voice God when you are willing and ready to listen. In my own life that voice of God produces noise when I can see past the pain in which that same noise was derived. Yet that doesn't always determine my willingness or readiness. It's usually nothing more than a moment of awareness, often painted by others in a pretty picture of “A moment of Grace!” “A Revelation!” Memory is all about association. It's how we learn, it's how we change. That clarity doesn't always give me the courage or the wisdom to know the difference. I still kept that God with me, the one above, the one I would hear in others. I didn't know how to separate it. I didn't know how to take what I needed and leave the rest. More importantly, I didn't know it was okay for that same God to exist within me. That is was okay to reject the notion of God.

I do know that when I am restless, irritable, and discontent I am disconnected from my higher power. The very notion of that paradox is astounding, yet has a elegant and subtle simplicity. I never realized there was beauty in a state of ambivalence and acceptance of God as the ultimate paradox.